Deception: A Search for Truth

I delved to find myself, but alas I rejected that which I found.

It’s a funny thing, self-reflection: a very sharp double-edged-sword, indeed. Whilst it frequently can provide us with powerful insights into our troubles and present us a compendium of epiphanies fit for publishing, it too can open up our deepest and more reviled histories for perusal which, when left unchecked, may lead one down the path of madness. This corruption of self-reflection becomes self-deception: a very dangerous practice. One who is left to architect his own reality may choose to forego common sense in favour of exciting fallacies, for who among us would choose powerless normalcy over phenomenal godhood? These desires can be found in even the littlest of children, but existence does not destine such desires any worth. Self-reflection must seen as a tool, which when properly used may lead one to live a successful self-aware life, but when abused, will invariably lead to a life of ignorance and perpetual disappointment. But where does one draw a line, and how does such corruption begin in the first place?

Darkness lies without light and light lies within darkness.

But why would someone wish to deceive themselves, you ask? With such a question asked, it doubtless seems implausible that people would be apt to deceive themselves knowingly, and that is true. People do not willingly deceive themselves, but rather they unknowingly perform the deception. If one were to knowingly try and deceive oneself, it would not be true deception, but rather a clever act of external deception, for the person would know deep down that what they preached wasn’t true, but would do so for some other entreated reasons. But true self-deception results in a confused person who cannot discern which of their beliefs are grounded in fact, and which are spawns of deception. The reason lies in the tendency for people to end up adopting the deceptions in gradual and subtle ways. The act of self-deception is less a deception, and more a chronic persuasion. It is not a purposeful practice whereby one chooses to deceive himself that leads to self-deception, but rather, it is a consequence of evasive thinking which inevitably leads to it. But what is considered evasive thinking and what effect does it have?

I know when I have had enough pain, but how can I know when I have had enough pleasure?

Evasive thinking is an act of avoidance. It may be an avoidance of responsibility, of acceptance or closure, or of change, but such avoidance is an act of self-deception. It is this simple act which leads us to deceive ourselves and to perpetuate our fallacies. It is generally a passive practice, not a vengeful or active one. Yet such passive responses to present issues may yield future disquiet of even larger magnitudes. Consciously, one may try to avoid the problems at hand and push them aside with such thoughts as, ‘I am not comfortable thinking about this at the moment, perhaps when I feel better I will give it another thought,’ or, ‘I don’t like what I did, but I do not want to think about it, I never intended it, I shouldn’t be blamed,’ and, ‘I let it go, others should too, and I shouldn’t have any more problems.’ We all know that such sentiments are foolish, but we all have believed them at some point in our lives. It is this avoidance of the problems-at-hand which leaves our subconscious mind displeased. When our subconscious mind is displeased, it results in all manner of subliminal changes which may not be recognized until they have lodged themselves fully into your belief system. These new, unproperly-finished links in your chain of beliefs, help support and form your core values. It is this chain-like interdependence which draws attention to the dangers which self-deception can pose on a persons reality.

We judge ourselves by our intentions, but judge others by their results.

What could possibly arise out of avoiding petty problems, they cannot be that important, can they? Well, in a manner of speaking, those petty problems can sometimes be the key for insight into larger, more complex ones. It is no stretch to say that if someone has problems dealing with people in smaller groups, those problems will most likely translate when dealing with larger groups. Similar statements may be made in all manner of ways, but for now let us generalize a bit. If someone has some trouble at an emotional level, then that person will surely have problems in other aspects of their life related to that emotion. We think emotionally, and when things do not align themselves with our emotions, we become defensive and try to force them to. Before one can understand something logically or conceptually, one must first have an emotional understanding. At the basis of all understanding is emotional understanding, why, because we are emotional creatures. If we do not understand our emotions, we can never recognize when they present themselves, so how can we act accordingly?

Painting with Choler: An emotional spectrum.

It is emotional understanding which we choose to label and ascribe concepts to, it is emotion which makes something palatable and interesting, or horrifying and disgraceful. Recently it has been said that human beings have four base emotions (previously it was thought to be six). They are happiness, anger, sadness, and fear (with surprise and disgust having been assimilated into the above-mentioned). These four emotions, scientists say, are encoded in our genes and provide us with the most basic building blocks whereby we may learn. Now, as we grow and experience all that life has to offer us, with both ups and downs, we eventually begin to develop and mature our emotions, which leads to deepened and more complex emotional reactions and understanding. This spectrum of emotional understanding can be likened to that of colour. Just as there are primary colours which cannot be further broken down, so too do these four emotions provide the emotional foundation, but from which an endless spectrum may arise. Every experience of your life could be expressed with a pinch of happiness, anger, sadness, and fear. The dread of your work, or the fear of failure is one such emotional block holding you back from experiencing new things, just as a euphoric rush may entice new-found passions. But what do emotions have to do with self-decepetion or self-awareness? Short answer: everything.

Wherever I look intently, coincidences abound, but in areas I neglect, a fog pervades my understanding.

Why do we learn somethings in a flash, whilst others, of equally apparent difficulty, resist our attempts to be understood? Is it the way our brain is wired, is it a chemical effect, or are we doomed to be forever at the mercy of our consciousness? Everyone has experienced that feeling most aptly referred to as a “wall” or “mental block”. Perhaps for some it arrives whilst studying calculus, and for others whilst trying to comprehend poetry, but in my experience, none are free from its perverse attempts to disrupt our mental momentum and force our thoughts into chaos. But where do such blockages come from, and is there any such way to avoid them? Well, such a question would appear to beg the answer, no, but that does not mean we cannot apply treatment to such occurences when they arise. A quick search online brings up millions of results on clearing writer’s block, artist’s block, and other mental blocks of all kind, yet if such solutions were easy, would we need a million pages to tell us how? Obviously, there is a discrepancy between the advice given and its effectiveness. Most of these sites will say very similar things for clearing mental blocks, and they all come in the form of stimulating new ideas, and forming heretofore unseen perspectives. It sounds complex, but it is far from it. In fact it is so simple, it evades understanding by most. In order to clear a mental block, you must find interest in and around new and current ideas. This interest will open new paths around the blockage, and can be found only by looking and trying relatively new things. But as everyone knows, the way to finding interest in things is not always clear, and most of the time it comes from unexpected places. However, many people, whilst professing a wish to experience new things, frequently shy away from those same opportunities, but why?

I fell hard, but did not fall behind, instead when I rose, I found I was yards ahead of where I had been.

Human’s are a contradictory species, we are just as apt to dive at a chance to try something new as we are to avoid and dismiss, sometimes even deride such opportunities, but what about us leads to our contradictory nature? That is simple, it is our emotional understanding at work. But in what way? Regardless of whether or not one wishes for it, their brain is constantly changing in response to its experiences, this automatic process of changing is the very same-such process which allows us to form new memories, and learn new concepts. This self-same process however, can cause us unbridled anxiety and terror given a new experience which may not have related positive experiences associated with it. This automatic nature of the brain hinges on emotional understanding, for the brain is designed to adapt to its evironment effectively, and to do so, it must survive all manner of experiences. This necessitates that we have a means to judge our experiences, resulting in emotional responses, but the processes at work are not always recognized for what they are. Happiness is an emotional response designed to entice us to repeat “beneficial” actions, anger as a response to obstacles, sadness as a response to loss, and fear as a response to danger. But do the emotions themselves provide direct insight, or are they merely tools of measure? Anyone who has “snapped” or had a panic attack, knows that emotional response is sometimes unwarranted, and as such, humans have been endowed with an amazing power: conscious control over our emotional selves: self-reflection.

Is it I who controls my emotions, or is it my emotions which are controlling me?

From a purely biological standpoint, one could argue that these four basic emotions are all that is needed to allow for our survival, but survival is not equated with a fulfulling life. Whilst we most definitely could survive on these basic emotions alone, I doubt we would find our society familiar. In fact, I doubt very much we would have a “civilized” society at all, for emotions are not processes of higher-intelligence, but rather act to mould our instincts. All animals have instincts, but not all animals have higher level intelligence related to conscious emotional control. This is a very unique feature of human consciousness, and one which has allowed for our extraordinary speciel growth. But why do we have this ability, and what has it done for us? Whilst, I cannot answer the initial question, I will attempt to answer the latter. Our ability, to overide our impulses has probably been one of the single most influencing factors on our species’ success, and has allowed us to be privvy to such notions of restraint and bravery, not to mention patience in all its forms. From a sociological view, if we were to purely react, we would almost never be able to make altruistic actions, nor would we have any insight into our consequences, as we would have no need to consider such things. We would have no foresight, no forethought, and no reflection, we would cease to be conscious, and we could do naught but become primal animals. As this is not the case, we should be quite thankful for our ability to consciously overide our emotional responses. However, such ability, does not come without consequence, and conscious control can be both beneficial as it can be detrimental. Allow me to explain.

Mirages and Mindstorms: ordering chaos.

Now while I haven’t mentioned it previously, I had always been fascinated with dreams. I have been lucky enough to experience naturally in life about a dozen or so lucid dreams and though their intensity varied, ever since I first experience one, I have been searching for more. Lucid dreams, for those who do not know, are dreams whereby the dreamer is consciously aware of being in a dream. This at first might not seem very useful, for why would someone want to be in a dream when they could just wake up and live real life? Well, I was hooked from the first time because it gave me full control over my dreamscape. Imagine, one moment you are in a bar, the next you decide you want to be a king so you remove the bar, grow a castle out of the rock beneath your feet, and sit atop your throne over all your imagination. You can fly, you can kill, you can revive, and you can build anything you can imagine. The lucid dream is an artist’s paradise. No project is too big, and no work impossible when you are dreaming. You can dream contradictions and spew ineffable visions before your very eyes, and not just that, but you can walk and work amongst them. Such ability has yet to be possible even through super computers, but each of us have such power in our biology and it only requires a little REM sleep.

But what do dreams have to do with any of this? Well, this love of dreams was only part of it. The other peice of the puzzle is that prior to my third year of university, I had no concept of, nor the ability to visualize ideas while I was awake. I didn’t know that people “saw” ideas in their mind’s eye, nor did I understand what people did when they were told to visualize the ocean or a sunrise, etc. It just didn’t make sense to me, I didn’t visualize, and instead I used other means. If asked to visualize a lemon three years ago, I couldn’t do it. I could tell you that the lemon has porous mottled skin, and that it is football shaped and that it is yellow and feels cold and slightly squishy, and could even imagine the weight it would have in my hand, but I could not visualize it in my own mind. For some this may seem preposterous, and to others it will likely ring true, but despite this deficiency, I longed to see things in my mind. I longed to hallucinate.

And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. - Nietzsche

Hallucinate?! Why would I want to do that? Well, I always imagined hallucinating, not in a bad way like when someone goes insane in a movie, but rather as tool. If I needed to give directions I didn’t see the places in mind, I used spatial location in relation to myself to describe places and it was as if all my visual data was being translated into spatial data instead. This could be tricky when people needed visual cues to help them find places. I would know where things were, but not what they necessarily what they looked like. So, I saw hallucinations as tapping into a mental computer program such as photoshop, 3DS Max, or even excel. If I could hallucinate, I could imagine novel ways to work around problems and I wouldn’t need to draw something out, but instead I could manipulate it in my mind. I could look at a math problem, and see it play out in my mind as a graph, or in metaphor, and other such methods. I don’t like memorizing things, so I usually learn the concepts only, and use various tricks and techniques to quicken the process. But if I couldn’t visualize, how could I ever achieve any of this? The answer was drugs.

Lysergic Acid Diethylamide or LSD is one of the most potent psychoactive substances known to man. The threshold dosage for LSD is in the 10’s of micrograms(ug). Caffeine on the otherhand ranges anywhere from 60-250mg in your average coffee. That is 6'000-25'000 times the amount of LSD necessary to trip for 10 hours. LSD is most commonly found on small tabs of paper known as “blotters,” but can also be found in liquid solution. One of these tabs is usually around ¼ - ½ sq. cm and contains around 80-120ug of LSD. One street name for LSD is “acid” and I was fortunate enough to know someone who had some LSD available for us to purchase. Now where I am from, the average price for LSD is $5-10 a tab, or if you prefer, $0.50-1.00/hr of tripping. This is cheap when you consider that a seasoned cannabis smoker will smoke ¼-½ oz. a week, which in my area is about $60-110/week. Alchohol is much more expensive considering you will spend $10-15 just getting a buzz for a couple hours, and then what? So, from a financial viewpoint, acid is cheap which was just one more reason to try it out.

Now, before I get onto the details, I will try and give a brief summary of what I have learned from acid, and other drugs. I do not believe that acid is for everyone, nor do I believe it should be illegal. Rather, it should be treated with the respect that it deserves. It comes with very real risks, but also can provide enormous benefits, but this depends on so many factors. First, despite sounding cliche, set & setting! I tripped over 20 times with a variety of different people in a variety of different places, and I noticed a trend. I had awesome experiences with certain people every time, and I had bummed-out, less-than-impressive, if not down-right-rotten trips with other people consistently. This has to be attributed to a few things, first for me to trip, I must be comfortable in my environment, but so too must everyone else. This is necessary for a cohesive experience, and if you do not have this, then you will regret tripping. One person’s bad trip can ruin everyone elses, but do not blame them too much for it. They should apologize if they made a mistake, but maybe you should see this as a foreshadow to avoid future trips. Some people shouldn’t trip together, its just a fact. Different perceptions will inevitably show up when you are dealing with perception-altering chemicals, and depending on individual defense mechanisms, that person may or may not be prepared to undergo some of the mental experiences that may arise, and they will arise.

The final bit of advice I can give regarding acid is that every good trip I had was done for the purpose of relaxing and awareness. By this I mean that I knew what I wanted from my trips prior to taking them. I had a plan in mind. I knew what I wanted to explore. An example would be choosing to focus on visual imagination one time versus observing the world around me in detail versus tuning my control over my physical body. I wasn’t looking to “party” or to get fucked up, I was looking to broaden my horizons, and to experience reality as I had never before imagined. Some of my trips were based on themes, others were freestyle, and I must say that themes are by far the best way to go. Nothing like throwing on a pair of ski goggles in a decorated room when suddenly you find yourself in a undersea adventure, in space, or deep in an FPS game. Nothing can quite compare to experiencing most of what a dream can bring, but with full energy, and the real world all around you. While I had life-altering changes for the best, so too did I have life-altering experiences for the worse.

Now, whilst I previously boasted solely on the topic of LSD and its potential effects, I by no means mean to say that my experiences have been sun and roses. Yes, LSD did end up resulting in my new found ability to visualize things in my mind’s eye. It also opened my heart to more people around me and I feel much empathetic towards others than I can recall. It also provided insight into some of my troubles. At times it provided me with some of the clearest thoughts I have ever experience, and at other times it provided me the most obscure ideas I could ever imagine. Whilst most of my drug excursions have been pleasant and free of any problems, I have also experienced a variety of difficult situations as a result of them. There are so many different views I could take, but for this article I feel that I will focus on the one experience which broke my reality.

Broken: reality does not compute.

It started in third year university, and I had been experimenting with a handful of drugs. I was doing so partly due to the fact I didn’t have much money and I figured I could either drink socially, or trip socially. I chose the latter, as I was still banned from the campus bar, and I was looking for novelty in my life. I started to hang out with other like-minded people. For those of you who haven’t been present around a culture like this, allow me to elucidate for you. The drug culture has many subcultures in it. Simply put you have some people who are generally into rave chemicals such as ecstasy, cocaine, meth, and speed(stimulants); then there are those who prefer to deal in opiates such as morphine, heroin, opium, and other such analogues(sedatives); and then you have those who are interested in more “natural” drugs and ironically have been recently into research chemicals (hallucinogens). This final group is the one which I will focus on, this group is most commonly associated with “hippies” and “shamans” and all the rest of the spiritual and counter-culture drug movements.

I would argue that of all the subcultures, this “hippie” cultue is the least destructive in terms of violence and all-in-all mostly devoid of what I would consider to be dangerous people, but that doesn’t mean that the culture is all perfect either. A quick search online will bring back all sorts of conflicting opinions regarding the safety of these drugs. This is due in part to a lack of proper research being done, but also in part due to the social stigma which is present within this culture. Many people of this culture are in favour of promoting hallucinogenic drug use in the general populace. They believe that if everyone were to experience what these drugs have to offer, that people would see eye-to-eye more clearly, and many of our conflicts would be resolved. A bit simplistic I must say, but their hearts are in the right place. I have experienced what these drugs can provide, and I must agree, you will see the world differently afterwards. But this may or may not be beneficial. Whilst promise is shown in psychiatric applications dealing with difficult chronic mental illness such as depression or anxiety, it too has the potential to trigger/develop latent mental illness in some people with familial history of such issues.

When things go well, these drugs build a sense of collective unity with the environment, the world, and your fellow human beings. But, given a bad trip, the exact opposite can occur, and some people can be left feeling alone and forgotten, with nothing but their fears and paranoia encroaching into their mindset. It is this double-edged nature of hallucinogens which has splintered the opinions within the hallucinogenic subculture. In my experiences, these drugs have an effect on the empathy towards others and can be a growing exercise. I remember one time I was tripping on LSD and I was watching a video online. I do not normally enjoy watching videos online, but this time I was captivated by the screen. It was one of those competitive singing shows such as So, you think you can dance? and many others. This particular version was from South Korea, I believe, and the kid on it happened to be homeless. Despite his daily challenges he sung some of the most beautiful opera I have ever heard. A quick search online is sure to bring it up if you should wish to see it. Now, this video was so emotional on LSD that I cried of happiness and heartfelt wishes for this boy’s wellbeing. I have never been so moved by video, let alone someone who was not closely connected to me, so from this experience, I must profess belief that LSD and other similar drugs may have the potential to help people who suffer from ASPD (Anti-Social Personality Disorder) and other similar mental illnesses.

But what dangers can arise exactly? Are these drugs toxic? No, they aren’t toxic per se, but they do have many of the dangers which come with all drugs. That is possible dependency, potential psychosis, a change of perspective, and of course psychological damage as a result of new found perspectives. The physical dangers are so far below those of the psychological dangers (not necessarily with certain research chemicals), that frequently people misunderstand what can actually happen. Many people will here the word “acid” or “LSD” and instantly they become preachers on the subject, claiming such theories as it will make you “legally” insane, put holes in your brain, and stay in your spinal fluid for the remainder of your life, let alone claiming that it is highly addictive. These are unfounded in scientific fact, but like all misunderstandings, there are grains of truth present.

First off, their is very little toxilogical damage caused by most common hallucinogens. Before I go further, research chemicals (RC’s) are exempt from this rule of thumb due to their relatively short presence on the scene, and not much is known about many of, and many are dangerous at high levels. Any damage is usually due to additional factors such as other lifestyle choices or diet, not to mention additional drug use which is usually present. Second, once-a-month is a lot different from once-a-week. These drugs however, do have a very real damage which is less a product of the drugs, and more a product of your emotional foundation. Drugs directly affect the chemical structure of your brain, this is done via neurotransmitters, and this is the method whereby all drugs function. These drugs may replace another chemical in the brain, or may elicit production, or may inhibit such chemicals from being produced. Each drug is a bit different, but the means are the same. Now, whilst these drugs do have effects, they are very dependent on dose as well as frequency, so as a general rule of thumb: High dose results in high intensity of effects; Frequent dosing tends to result in lasting effects; Potential danger is a based on both. Generally, frequent dosing causes more problems than spaced out large doses. For example, provided you had no disposition to mental illness, if you choose to do 4 tabs and take a long enough break afterwards, and properly mull over all that you experience, you should suffer no serious or noticeable lasting effects. However, if you do acid 4 times a week frequently, even if it is only 1 tab a day, you will most likely suffer from some lasting changes due to your brain biology. This is due to your brains autonomous ability to adapt and learn.

The brain is constantly changing and learning. It does so whether you want to or not, and usually you have no control over this. We are at the mercy of our brains as to what will be stored and what will not be. We can attempt to force information into slots by cramming or through repetition, which may be very inefficient, whilst with some things you remember it instantly. Drug experiences are not excluded from this phenomenon. When you take drugs, you are affecting the chemicals which allow you to think and process information. In some cases drugs can help mediate information between areas of the brain better, and in some cases can inhibit such communication. This is obvious given humanities addiction to coffee and tea and alcohol. We know this happens, and we want it to. Why? Because without drugs, we cannot directly control our minds. We can try to develop some form of conscious control, but some areas are just out of our reach such as the central nervous system and pain.

There are very few things we can actively control to affect our chemical mind, one is masturbation and likewise sex, one is exercise, and the other is consumption. We get instant gratification from both sex and masturbation because we are releasing endorphins and affecting our mood through chemical reactions, but they are so often overlooked when examing how we desire to control our feelings. Exercise, less fun, less easy, but after a hard work-out, anyone who has done so will know that a “high” follows. Again, mostly endorphins and hormones, but the result is the same, an enjoyable feeling of euphoria and relaxation. The final, and by far easiest (perhaps other than masturbating) is consumption. We eat when we are hungry because we need the energy and nutrients, but our minds can be fooled into making us eat despite no need for more food, or can trick us into eating the unhealthy snack instead of preparing a real meal. Consumption should be seen as not just in case of survival but in the case of control. Food pleasures us, so we hunt for it: a necessary hedonism if you ask me.

We as humans, like control. We have biological systems of control bred into us, and we have the ability to see patterns. This is the perfect environment for traditions, habits, and addictions to form, and they do. Even though certain drugs may not produce what can be classified as a “physical” addiction, they can still lead to habitual use and just like your daily grind, can become a part of your everyday life. I started experimenting with drugs under the pretence that I understood they were dangerous if abused, and that I must take caution. I still understand this, and yet I cannot be sure if I did not abuse drugs myself during my adventures. I definitely did at times for certain, but on the whole, was I cautious on average? Did I make the necessary precautions to not just avoid a bad trip, but to avoid delving too frequently into the pool? I have always been self-aware, but in this case, I feel that drugs blinded me too much. I don’t think I treated them with nearly enough respect, and rather than dealing with the issues when the began to surface, I pushed them away with the reassurance that I couldn’t be fooled if I was looking out for it. I couldn’t, could I?

I always knew when I was having a bad trip, and usually given 10-15 minutes I would be able to pull myself out and get back to enjoying the trip. This ability to sense when I was moving into bad territory was most helpful, and I figure my only success with drugs is due to this awareness. But what is this awareness exactly? Well, that is hard to say. I can best describe it as a feeling that your mood isn’t accurate, and yet despite this mood you attempt to evolve past and change it. It is similar to the feeling of trying to calm yourself down after you become upset. Logically trying to explain the reasons why you shouldn’t be feeling this way while other contradictory reasons are retorted back by your emotions. Even though your logical faculties may still be working to override your emotions, it is harder on drugs to accept them. But why? Well, being on drugs, you aren’t sure if your opinion is valid let alone logically accurate, for it could just be the drugs making you feel this way, so you have to be extra careful when coming to conclusions. Some really stupid ideas come from experimenting with drugs, and having a limited knowledge to work with. A common feeling which is elicited via hallucinogens is that of “Eureka!” It usually follows a sensation I describe as “loopy thinking” where each thought is like the water pouring from one plateau on a fountain to the next. The thoughts are fluid and connected, and it is sometimes hard to figure what exactly led up to the current thoughts, but for the present moment you believe the thought. This, I am sure has to do with rewiring information differently from short-term into long term and no doubt has something to do with the “Eureka” sensation, but it is also this “Eureka” which can lead to problems.

It is commonly stated in the drug culture, that Francis Crick, co-discoverer of DNA’s double helix structure and a father of our modern medicine, was under the influence of LSD at the time of this discovery. It is said that the drug allowed him to ply at his mind and decipher the problem which he had been struggling with. This is frequently used as a defensive argument in favour of legalization, despite the fact that it has very little to say on the matter of the drug itself. The only thing which should be assumed without deeper study is that if LSD was involved in his discovery, it was as a tool, and it should not be assumed that it gave him the answer, nor should it be assumed that without LSD, the problem would never have been solved. The claim that drugs like LSD, open your mind up and allow for more original and “out-of-the-box” thinking is not without merit. Other studies have been done on this possible effect on the mind, and I invite you to read more on your own if you are interested. How this phenomenon happens however, has yet to be scientifically explained, and is reason for further research into these interest compounds. I, like most people, have my own opinions, and if you will allow me, I will give you a brief summary.

I feel that LSD, based in part on its molecular shape, and the fact that it is a serotonin analogue, lends credibility to suggest that it plays a large role in modulating signals in the brain. The effect as I have experienced it, feels similar to a sensory overload in a way. It feels as if your perception becomes unfiltered, and normally-ignored sensory information is relayed to your conscious attention rather than being removed. This I feel is in part due to the effect that this new modulation has on your sensory signals. Normally, sensations such as the feeling of your clothes on your back, would never make it to your consciousness, but now your brain perceives them as new sensory information, and this draws its attention of your focus. Due to the novelty of the interaction, your brain becomes intrigued, and to the best of its ability, it attempts to function properly as it would normally. The problem is that you brain is responding to a different signal from a fimiliar source, but it cannot determine that these stimulations have been modified. This modulation then also has an effect on excitatory stimulation as well. Serotonin is thought to be the most used neurotransmitter in the body, and it is presently known to affect as many as 16 different classes of receptors in different regions. These range from sensory stimulation received via the optical nerve, as well as controlling your gut digestion and metabolism. Since all stimulus is being modulated slightly differently, your brain sees this as a new experience, and begins to make emotional measures. This normally would work, except that we are directly changing our emotional measures via these drugs as well. The brain is not incapacitated however, merely running slightly differently. Imagine you brain as a car, and your neurotransmitters as feul. You can buy unleaded or perhaps premium, and due to chemical differences, will burn differently, and thus affect the cars performance slightly. The car still functions as it should, but not necessarily identically. This is similar to how I feel the brain is working. It is still receiving stimulus, and responding as it believes it should, but due to the transmitter, it doesn’t necessarily recognize the stimulus for what it normally would appear as, and so it passes it to your conscious thought, this then is processed based on your prior understanding and emotional development. If something clicks, you suddenly have deeper understanding of what you brain is receiving, and this stimulus is paired suddenly with old “trusted” knowledge, and this neuronal growth elicits a “Eureka” sensation. However, this can result in misinterpreted information due to the LSD’s modulation which can result in false beliefs being processed as true. This perception will change back once all the LSD is removed from the brain, but even though your brain now is back to baseline in terms of how it perceives stimulus, it still has learned these new, possibly false connections and you brain has changed. It has learned, but is this newly learned knowledge good or bad?

Emotional cave: mining happiness.

We are hedonistic animals, but we strive to deny this fact. We see our primitive instincts, and the power behind them, and this scares us. We like comforts, but some comforts come at the cost of others. The debate on which comforts are more important is never over. We will always be presented with decisions to steal, insult, and indulge, but along with such desires, comes the recognition that those self-same desires are also present in others. We fear what others might do, for perhaps, maybe they do not have the same mental faculties and experience as us. We make rules, laws, and labels, to try and mitigate this confusion and fear as well as ensure that a consensus exists amongst the population. We build civilizations on the very fact that people are willing to work together to better our collective lives, but collective benefit doesn’t necessarily mean everyone benefits.

People have been shown to be hypocrits in all walks of life, and in all regions of the world. We hold ourselves to one standard, and place people into different levels with different standards. We expect more from a doctor, or a politician, than we do from your local grocery store clerk, but why? Is it because we recognize the trouble that some people have gone through, or is it again implicitly passed along in our society? I believe it is a bit of both, but in the end it directly relates for better or worse to our self-awarenes. Our intentions and opinions are based on a complex arrangement between societal rules, laws, and other implicit learning, alongside that of our own personal intentions, emotional understanding, and explicit experience. People have been shown time and again to forego civilized behaviour in favour of self-indulgence when consequences are removed from the situation. Why the sudden switch from humane cooperation to inconsiderate selfseeking? I believe that it is because the internal argument between logic and emotion begins to waver in favour of the emotional choice. In this case the emotions result in envy and contempt towards others and the logic falls short. Logic is based on consequences, and without them, logical reasoning falls short. It is this lack of logical reasoning which allows our minds to forego restraint and choose to impulsively indulge. This is what leads to addiction.

Chemical reactionary.

Now almost everyone knows the dangers of addiction, but that doesn’t seem to be dissuading many people. Whilst most people conjure up images of weather-beaten and decrepit looking crack-heads, addiction is more commonly found in your everyday coffee, and smoking habits, than it is found in hard drugs. The reasons for the misconceptions stem moreso out of the apparent extremes which the media makes out of these drugs, than it does about coffee. Coffee and cigarettes are socially accepted, and I bet there are scenes in almost every tv show which have coffee products either explicitly on screen, or in the background set design. This addiction is so prevalent, it ceases to be really recognized as one, but I bet most people would have a hard time quitting it completely. But why completely? Well, otherwise, you cannot say you really got over it, can you?

Balancing acts: Cirque du Drogue.

Getting off of a drug is a lot harder than starting one, even if sourcing a drug becomes a problem. First off, you are now used to the life as you are living it, with the drugs. You probably have found a lot of time to include your new habit, and that means, lots of free time which will have to be reappropriated. Secondly, your brain still wants to feel that way, whether it is stemming from a physical desire, a different way of thinking, or your own implicit beliefs that it makes you better in some such fashion. These two obstacles are what make getting off of drugs so difficult, but lets rephrase it. Say you have been playing guitar for 5 years. Now lets say you started only playing once a week, then you really started to get into it, and now you play almost everyday. Now, you have managed to get through the last 5 years without much of a problem, and on top of that you have a whole new group of friends who you play guitar with. Now, you have most likely made sacrifices for guitar; you may of missed some events to practise, spent your last few dollars buying a new peddle or amp, and maybe even dropped older hobbies to focus on it. Now, imagine one day you just quit.

Surrounded by darkness, or blinded by light?

You head over to your friends’ homes who you used to frequent and they want to play guitar, but you don’t play anymore. You suddenly have fits of boredom at their place, and you get sudden cravings to play, but you told yourself you can’t and won’t fall into that habit anymore. You are dying to enjoy the old times how they were, but now they seem different, and foreign. The jokes are quite the same, the feeling in the air is tense, and you seem to be struggling to get along. This is exactly how most people trying to escape their addiction find themselves, bored, lost, and feeling separated from their comrades, and wishing to fall back into their old routines. It sounds rediculous, but for a lot of people, this how it feels. They made drugs a part of their life, but they didn’t necessarily want to continue, but it is no ingrained into their personalities. These people need to replace their previous “hobby” with a new one, and then once they have done that, they will be closer to escaping. The problem lies with the fact that their hobby was one of consumption, and so they are most likely going to replace it with another form of consumption. This begins a circle of drug abuse, not of one drug, but of many. Many people will turn to different drugs to help their cravings, do they turn to coffee, cigarettes, painkillers, alcohol because it makes sense to them. Sports, instruments, research, etc… are all very much different from taking a drug, and so it seems a lot easier to just continue their habit but slowly adjust it. This is what happened to me. I kept believing I was in control of my life, until suddenly I was using 4-6 different chemicals to get me through a day, and the whole time still not feeling great. Nothing seemed to be of any interest to me, and the only time I was excited seemed to be on the come-up of some substance. When I became aware of my fiending, and my constant looking out for chemical enhancement, I knew I had a problem, but how was I to fix it?

Mirror-Mirror on the wall, who’s self-aware after all?

That is where I stand now, confused and unsure of my next step. I have gone through some heavy drug-abuse, and the worst part is, I didn’t fuck up royally, but in so many small ways that whilst my life still is holding together, it is cracked and webbed like a glued-together vase. I am forever uncertain if what I am doing is right anymore because I have been clouded for so long. I look backwards, seeing a faint shimmer in the fog, uncertain if my footsteps haven’t misled me again down another poorly chosen path. This adventure is far from over, and I know I have plenty of changing to do. I don’t where my path leads, and all I know is that when I get there, I will probably know the next stop in my journey, but for now it remains eclipsed by the fog of my self-deception.